Friday, December 3, 2010

souls day

12.3.10, Paris
If you want to know me, then know me.  It’s all I have.

The thing about dogs I find so humbling is how a dog will lower itself, meek and succumbing as it approaches and sits beneath a person or another dog.  The dog surrenders, head lowered, wagging in its steps.  It’s that uncertainty in its eyes, the lick of its chops, the sweetness of its innocence, the harmlessness that strikes me.  Because when I see that I see bravery.  I see the blinking and the hidden hesitation in its steps, but it moves forward nonetheless.  The dog is walking a plank of sorts; there could be misfortune on its arrival to the alpha, and you see it just giving in, giving up, even laying down.  That to me is a heroine or hero, just moving forward to the unknown.  And not only is it humbling to see how dogs approach but that they approach in the first place.  So humbling to see how dogs approach.  Can you imagine if we all approached each other like that?  Where you’d just go up to whomever and rub against them, sniff them, hang out with them for a while then move on.  In a way I think that’s what we do.

Souls Day, NY

Time is precious.  Truth is more precious than time.  That was my fortune paper, that was what it said years ago- apparently.  I found this little white paper with red lettering telling me just that- reminding me just that.  About truth and time.  And my mind went immediately to P, that I wanted truth.

I never really got lost in the whole time concept, the theory of no time- nor do I plan to get lost in it, but I want to explore it.  The idea of wearing jewels from centuries ago, wearing objects or using objects of so long ago- lifetimes before yours, you begin to feel the extension of lives and the entanglements we have in each others, you begin to feel a sense of timelessness.  We are fascinated by entertainment, entertained by fascination, and we keep building it and blocking it from each other.  The new building block: the block that blocks you from building.  From giving to each other.  And for now I am going to look into my blocks.

I tend to worry.  I might not look it, but I can be terribly insecure.  Maybe that is what puts me in such a tailspin when I am losing a possibility.  Whether it be possible love, or something else of value, the fear of losing it holds me by the balls.  I do things to make myself feel better: I put myself on vacation, I go, I enjoy, I feel the sun, I feel the drink, I feel my freedom, my life, my rarity.  And I go and celebrate myself.

I feel my life in a space of no time, where the century doesn't matter and my name doesn't matter as it is all temporary anyway.  The only thing that matters is love.

I took a few stones home from the Sanctuary at Omega Institute this past summer.  Love guards my window.  It filters New York.  It even filters me.

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