Tuesday, January 11, 2011

changing colors

11 AM

There are times in one’s life when a journey within is the only place to go.  It delivers you from your repetitions, from your needless and useless destinations. 

I have a habit of going far away.  I relocate in times of pain or times of uncertainty, to try to get away from the familiar, to try to confuse myself in a way.  These are costly distractions because I, in fact, have gotten further from myself.  And it is only when I come back home and look at the honest version of my life that I feel the ability to take a real journey. 

I feel like I’m changing colors.  Changing times.  The only interesting thing to see is with my eyes closed.  There I see everything in an expanse and understanding without words.  I feel like hugging all the people who broke my heart.  I feel like telling them I broke my own.  My interpretation of rejection is exactly that- my own.  And man, do I drag it to depths.  Fortunately now I’m not sitting on needles, I’m sitting on a red velvet blanket, and I’m comfortable in my heart to explore. 

This deep fried blog is to feel it, and not be afraid to share it.  In my dream last night I was sitting in a window, my legs dangling outside, and the stone walls around the window felt safe.  In the distance was a palace and the sun was striking a green roof, the brass gone old, and for some reason I found myself extremely lucky that this was my view.  Extremely lucky.  But I knew it wasn’t permanent, that I was only a guest.  I guess I can compare this to life.  I’m just temporary, and willing to realize my fortune at being here.

I have decided to add a bit of Elizabeth Kelly’s “Spiritual Journey” to the end of each entry.  It is a book my sister Nathalie introduced me to.  It is hard to find, and was a gift to her from a friend.  So rather than paying $250 on Amazon, here’s a little nugget on Be Aware:

“If you pay attention to your life, if you learn to attune to your soul, vast information will unfold to you.  If you develop your devotion, your concentration and your meditation enough, you can open to your own intuition, which is the highest form of knowledge.”

where I lived in Shelter Island- distant deer in the driveway

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