Friday, April 8, 2011
red with truth
My heart bangs inside of my cage. I feel it pushing my ribs with each thud – explosions of embarrassment like bombs of shame and wanting. Wanting to not be here. Wanting him. And mostly, wanting to be myself. I can’t believe my heart – if it had a microphone, the room would shake its walls, the kitchen would shatter its glasses and the three in the room would laugh: Silver with the hysteria of exposure, red with truth, the other two in wondrous curiosity how a pang could pang so hard. Crashes of crystal and wall-dust on his Japanese antiques would stop K in the tracks of laughter, and the Other – the Other – would always keep an abbreviated laugh. Witness: this is not love…this is reactionary of my haunted ego and bruised feelings, standing worlds apart from who I am. A senseless self persecution, beats of desire, beating, BEATING inside my cage. This earthquake couldn’t be happening. I was a fighting bird fighting myself, flying into the fury of survival, of psychological torture and embarrassment. Look, my chest, the ribs, a xylophone to harass. Flip me face down so you don’t see my heart pop. Pop. Pop. A disgrace to my dignity – he even looked ugly, not only in his physique but in his selfish soul. Looking like Rocky Balboa, the puffy hair, the shorts, double shirt with cutoff sleeves…with an air of arrogance as always. Coming over to kiss me hello, Rocky apologized for not returning an email I’d sent him: an invite to yet another soirée. “It’s OK.” Silver Lies couldn’t capture a moment; she always gave them away to the quickest answer.
Thinking of the Love she didn't invite: I would have invited you but I didn't think you'd like the crowd. They were all human. Not like you and me.
E. Kelly's Spiritual Journey on I promise you: A discourse:
“Much of what affects us is invisible. There are great energies within us and without. Some can be used; others must be endured.
There are energies thrusting through space, going through us like a sieve. The theory of astrology is that wherever matter rotates in space it throws off patterns of energy contained in ions. These travel through space and penetrate our atmosphere and physical bodies. Sometimes energies meet and catch in a pattern. At those times there is enormous stress in that area. It can manifest sometimes in rashes of public behavior – rebellions, assassinations and so on, outward evidence of inward stress, affecting individual and group energy patterns. Sometimes there is nothing we can do about it except keep our balance and inner peace.
Sometimes we are acting of our own free will. At other times we are responding to those energies. People live in a very closed context, and what may seem whim or chance is locked. We are integral parts of the universe. This should teach us not to impose ourselves on others.”